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Jokes
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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have
to hear about all the men she could have married, and
she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married,
she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten
instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead."
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would
you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said,
"Call for backup."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and
Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child
replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created
out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have
a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and
asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game
she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the
child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my
own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
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A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the
first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything
your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe
everything he says happens at home
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As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered
by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper
tantrum. Nomatter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to
try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick
the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform
of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his
chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin
attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly,
"but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that
they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any
flight I choose."
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THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a
drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks,
the bartender got worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asked.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she
vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . ."
He took another drink, and said, "And tonight is the last night."
IDENTITY CRISIS
Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, "I am
Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
A voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
CHURCH BELL BLUES
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a
Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way
to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing,
"The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers
and fathers."
"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying
that rifle?"
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"Hey, you!" says the devil. "You're not supposed to be having a good time in hell! It's burning hot in here!"
"Oh," replies the Cajun, "It ain't alldat hot in hea. It get dis hot in Louisiana come Ju-ly."
The devil leaves but is determined to make it uncomfortable for the Cajun, so he turns up the temperature. Later, the devil sees the Cajun boiling crawfish and having an even better time.
"Hey!" says the devil. "You stop that! You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself in here, you know... This is hell!"
"It ain't no big deal," says the Cajun. "It get dis hot in Louisiana in da mont a Aug-gus."
"Okay," says the devil. "If you're used to the heat, I'm going to make it cold." So he turns the thermostat way down.
The devil goes to check on the Cajun, and to his horror, notices him jumping up and down in a frenzy! "Why the hell is this guy so happy?" the devil asks, but as he gets closer, he gets his answer when he hears the Cajun shout... "Da Saints won da Superbowl! Da Saints won da Superbowl!"
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"X-rated Money Machine" - Rated R
The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club.One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the
$10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his
other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one
of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me,and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
Giggles........anjel {{and NOOOO.... THIS IS NOT A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE}}
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http://www.send4fun.com/addicts.htm
here is a fun page my son sent me.
granny
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A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
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On the first day of school, a 1st grade teacher told her students to use grown-up words. Then,she asked a fat littles boy what he did during the summer. He said,"I went on a choo choo." The teacher said,"No,No,train use grown-up words. Then ,she asked a little girl with blonde pigtales. "I read a book.",She prouldly. The teacher said,"What was the books name?" She said,"Winnie The Shit!"
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Besides its sexual connotation, this incredible word can
be used to describe many situations:
Greetings: "How the fuck are you?"
Fraud: "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Dismay: "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble: "Well, I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression: "Fuck you!"
Disgust: "Fuck me."
Confusion: "What the fuck...?"
Difficulty: "I don't understand this fucking business."
Despair: "Fucked again."
Incompetence: "He fucks up everything."
Displeasure: "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost: "Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief: "Unfuckingbelievable!"
Retaliation: "Up your fucking ass!"
Confused Aggression: "How the fuck should I know?"
It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business - "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be used to command silence - "Shut the fuck up!"
It can be maternal - "You Motherfucker."
It can be political - "Fuck Al Gore!" -Yeti
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FOR YOUR "OUTGOING" MESSAGES ON YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE.
1. "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
2. "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"
3. "Hi! Kathy's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to my ass with one of these magnets."
4. "This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
5. "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
6. "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone, so leave us a message."
7. "Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you
8. Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.
9. This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is BABY BOOTIES.
10. I'm sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your ass 90 degrees and try again.
11. Paul here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
12. Very fast:] Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and fart till you crap your pants.BEEP.
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I Want a Quickie
A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie."
She slaps his face and asks, "Now would you please give me your order?"
Again, he says, "I want a quickie."
She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you want?"
Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man,
"I think it's pronounced QUICHE."
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The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on
multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea
to ask a few of the children examples of words with more
than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks
Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four
syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large
the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your
four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
"Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables." Yeti
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This comedian got in trouble once when he asked the young viewers
of his TV show to send him the green paper in their parents' wallets.
Who?
Soupy Sales. It was on this date in 1955 that "The Soupy Sales
Show" premiered on TV. Until 1979, Sales hosted a number of national
and local television shows for children. His humor occasionally got
him into hot water. The "green paper" incident - which caused him to
be yanked off the air for a week - occurred in 1965.
Urban Legend
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This legend states that someone, usually a girl, who is
late for a date decides to take her hair drying to the
next level by sticking her head in a microwave and
somehow tricking the door locking mechanism into
believing the door was closed. She then proceeds to
"dry her hair" and unfortunately fries her brains. This
story, of course is not true. Another variation of this
bizarre story has a small, wet pet in the microwave.
Strange Law
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It is illegal to take a bath on any night other than
Saturday in Barre, Vermont.
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Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign,"Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind thecounter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen'sLaundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'HansOlaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say: 'Sam Ting!'"
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